When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
