so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
worst night to have a conscience
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
