Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You took a bar mat shot.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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