listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
