What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
