I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
