I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
