Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
