Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
