I was born with a shot glass in my hand
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
