dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
