non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
