i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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