Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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