I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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