a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
