mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
