I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
