I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
