I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
