Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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