i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
should my penis look like a turkey
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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