i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize