Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
