You were right. It hurts to walk today.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
