My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
