it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
