she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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