If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
