i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
