My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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