her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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