I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
