I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
