proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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