My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the condom got lost in my hair
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
