OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
