It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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