I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
