Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
