The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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