Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
