I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
