She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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