i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
