If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
