when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
