my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
