She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
