stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
