Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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