Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
