Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
